Unfiltered Thoughts: Advice for Working with a Pregnant Lady

I just started my new job a few days ago, and unlike at the interview, now I am obviously showing. I've made the switch to maternity clothes and I definitely look pregnant. My new coworkers seem to be really quiet and maybe even shy, so I've been keeping to myself, using my lunch hour for a walk since it seems like everyone here just kind of eats at their desks by themselves. Today, one of my coworkers approached me and said, "So....when are you....uh...." and then made a motion of 'pregnant' across her belly. And when I said "I'm due July 4" she said that she'd be winning the office pool, then. Because that doesn't make the I-just-started-a-new-job-six-months-pregnant-lady feel awkward. At all.

So a bit of advice to those of you working with a pregnant lady, whether she's a new coworker or not:

1. Do not have a behind-her-back office pool about when she's due (or if she's even pregnant). 
2. Do not eat fish at your desk. Or cheeseburgers. Or anything with onions. In fact, stick to foods that produce no odor, or EAT IN THE KITCHEN or GO OUT TO EAT. 
3. Do not act jealous when your new coworker's upcoming maternity leave is announced. That six weeks that sounds like "vaca" to you, moron? That's for her to recover from squeezing a baby out her hoo-ha, and bonding with the little baby. And btw, she might feel bad that she's not getting the 12 weeks that other new moms get at 'real' jobs under FMLA.
4. Under no circumstances should you ask "Are you sure you're not having twins hahaha?"

I'll post more as they come up, but that's a good starting point.

An Embarassment of Riches

Having just landed a new job, and having started it (and it's actually a half-decent job at that), I just got offered another job. I won't say that it's better, except that it is. It pays way better, it's closer to my house, it's less structured, and I really like the people I'd be working for. So when I told them, I'm, uh, 6 months pregnant and will need some time off this summer, they were all, "ok, no problem. How much time will you need?"

So I guess I start a *new* new job in a week!

Conversation with the Neighborhood Kids

Kid: "Did you know one of the kids in the neighborhood is...MISSING?!"

Holy sh*t! I haven't seen any posters up at the park or on the mailboxes, no cops have come to my door.

Me: "Wha?! What do you mean?"

Kid: "Nobody's seen him for, like, 30 minutes!"

Kid, that ain't 'missing.'